“A mentor once told me, ‘You are your wife’s deacon first.’ That simple truth reordered my ministry, not as something added to marriage but lived within it.”
Deacon Anton Nickolai sent this my way, his recent contribution to The Deacon magazine. So, what’s it like to be a young deacon with a young family?
I entered diaconate formation in 2014 while my wife was pregnant with our fourth child. Three more children would follow. I was ordained at 34, just shy of canonical age, by my archbishop’s dispensation and my wife’s steadfast support.
That moment in the kitchen wasn’t just the start of discernment, it was the start of a realization: These vocations — husband, father, deacon — aren’t rival paths. They’re threads in a single stole, woven by the God who called me to serve. For young married deacons, the diaconate isn’t something added to family life; it’s rooted within it. Embraced together, these vocations become mutually sanctifying, forming a life of authentic service to Church, spouse and family.
One of the most common questions I get from men discerning the diaconate is, “How do you balance being a husband, a father and a deacon?” My answer is always the same: You don’t balance them — you integrate them. If you’re married, your diaconal vocation doesn’t run alongside family, it springs from it.
The diaconate isn’t just a task. It’s a life shaped by service, relationship and presence. St. Paul writes, “Deacons may be married only once and must manage their children and their households well” (1 Tm 3:12). Not all deacons are married, but for those who are, ministry often begins at the dinner table. That verse reminds us: A married deacon’s first Church is his home, his first place of service the family table, his first congregation the spouse and children entrusted to his care.
This isn’t just practical — it’s theological. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that the family is the “domestic church,” the smallest unit of ecclesial life (Nos. 1656-1658). That means a deacon begins his ministry not in the sanctuary, but in his home.
A mentor in formation once told me, “You are your wife’s deacon first.” That simple truth reordered my ministry, not as something added to marriage but lived within it.
Our marriage isn’t a hurdle to ministry; it’s the soil where ministry grows. And not just mine — ours. My wife doesn’t simply support my vocation; she discerned it with me, step by step, and has never stopped praying through it. Her sacrifices didn’t just make ordination possible — they make ministry sustainable.
The longer I serve as a deacon, the more I realize: I can’t live this vocation well unless I live my first vocation well. If I preach beautifully on Sunday but neglect my family during the week, my witness rings hollow. But when I bring home the same humility, attentiveness and spirit of service, I become not just a minister, but the deacon I’m called to be, both at home and in the world.
There’s much more. You’ll want to read it all.
