This email was forwarded to me late Tuesday afternoon from the Diocese of St. Petersburg:
It is with sadness that we notify you of the death of Deacon Ray Dever, 74, ordination class of 2009.
Deacon Ray died on Thursday, January 9, 2025, in the company of his wife, Laurie and family. Deacon Ray was incardinated into the Diocese of Lexington, Kentucky in April of 2024.
Visitation will take place on Thursday, January 30, 2025, from 7 to 8:30pm at Sacred Heart Catholic Church, 509 N. Florida Ave, Tampa FL.
The Mass of Christian Burial will take place on Friday, January 31, 2025, at 10:00am. Bishop John Stowe of Lexington, Kentucky will preside. A reception will follow in the parish hall.
Deacons are welcome to vest in their Diocesan Dalmatic. To assist in the parish planning, please let the Office of the Diaconate know if you intend on being there. (diaconate@dosp.org)
Condolences may be sent to the Dever family, 12016 Nicklaus Cir Tampa, FL 33624.
Deacon Ray had a distinctive ministry all his own, as the loving father of a transgender child. I posted about him nearly a decade ago on my blog at Patheos, when he wrote about his experience as a father and Catholic clergyman:
Our journey has probably not been very different than the journey of any family with an LGBTQ child. It really began with our daughter descending into a deep depression during high school. We would learn more about depression and mental illness, about suicidal ideations and self-injurious behavior, about therapists and anti-depressant medications than we ever could have imagined or wanted. That journey would eventually lead to questions of gender identity that were intimately connected with her mental health struggles.
When our daughter came out, my wife and I experienced the full range of thoughts and emotions that any parents do in that situation – shock at the news, a lack of understanding of gender issues, conflict with what the Church teaches about human sexuality, confusion and guilt about what we should do as parents, profound sadness at what felt like the loss of our son, fear and worry for what the future would hold for her. There were arguments, sleepless nights, and prayers – lots of prayers.
We slowly came to the realization that we hadn’t lost the person who had been our son. In fact, in many respects we got our child back, as she embraced her gender identity and emerged from the depths of depression. All the creativity, humor, empathy, and intelligence that make her an exceptional person are still there and are shining through stronger than ever. And I’d like to think that the acceptance of her immediate and extended Catholic family have played some part in that positive transformation.
…While I am certainly not qualified or authorized to speak for the Church on LGBTQ issues, I have been commissioned by the Church through ordination to proclaim and to preach the Gospel. And if one thing is crystal clear in the public ministry and teachings of our Lord, it is that everyone is included in His love and mercy and forgiveness, and that we are all called to do the same. For those Catholic families with LGBTQ children that are struggling with what they should do, I would suggest that they look to the Holy Family. Look to the love embodied in the Incarnation, a love like no other, and embrace your children. As the Church calls us to do first and foremost, follow your conscience, love own another, and especially love your children.
As an addendum to the post, I included this compassionate advice for parents from the USCCB document “Always Our Children”:
With a view toward overcoming the isolation that you or your son or daughter may be experiencing, we offer these recommendations to you as well as to priests and pastoral ministers.
To Parents:
Accept and love yourselves as parents in order to accept and love your son or daughter. Do not blame yourselves for a homosexual orientation in your child.
Do everything possible to continue demonstrating love for your child. However, accepting his or her homosexual orientation does not have to include approving of all related attitudes and behavioral choices. In fact, you may need to challenge certain aspects of a lifestyle that you find objectionable.
Urge your son or daughter to stay joined to the Catholic faith community. If they have left the Church, urge them to return and be reconciled to the community, especially through the sacrament of penance.
Recommend that your son or daughter find a spiritual director/mentor to offer guidance in prayer and in leading a chaste and virtuous life.
Seek help for yourself, perhaps in the form of counseling or spiritual direction, as you strive for understanding, acceptance, and inner peace. Also, consider joining a parents’ support group or participating in a retreat designed for Catholic parents of homosexual children. Other people have traveled the same road as you but may have journeyed even further. They can share effective ways of handling delicate family situations such as how to tell family members and friends about your child, how to explain homosexuality to younger children, and how to relate to your son or daughter’s friends in a Christian way. Reach out in love and service to other parents struggling with a son or daughter’s homosexuality. Contact your parish about organizing a parents’ support group. Your diocesan family ministry office, Catholic Charities, or a special diocesan ministry to gay and lesbian persons may be able to offer assistance.
As you take advantage of opportunities for education and support, remember that you can only change yourself; you can only be responsible for your own beliefs and actions, not those of your adult children.
Put your faith completely in God, who is more powerful, more compassionate, and more forgiving than we are or ever could be.
Father James Martin knew Deacon Ray and offered this remembrance on social media:
On a personal level, Ray helped me a great deal in understanding the transgender experience and the experience of the families of trans people. Ray was a gentle, humble and faith-filled man who greatly enriched the church with his love, mercy and compassion. Please pray for his family and friends who mourn him. May he rest in peace with the God he served so faithfully as a deacon, a father and a friend.
